Child Bearer

U don’t know what is hate until you meet my mother and drink from the agony of my childhood cup.
U don’t know what is hurt until you steal a look into the core of my heart
That heart
Thorn apart by the love I always seek and never found.
U don’t know what is pain until you endure one day of my life and feel trapped by a facade of beauty an elusion of love.
A broken child, asking questions
Why?
Mother?
Why would you leave your daughter?
I needed you
A full view of pain
Darm I was only two … I needed you Mother!
What kind of woman would separate herself from herself?
Mother I am you … a part of you
And you left me
Can’t you see a reflection of you in me.
I hate because I hurt because of you. Mother!
And that hurt is because all I long for is your love … Mother
Grew up,
I’m grown
This is me but you don’t know that cause you don’t know me
I want to tell you a secret mother
“I want a daughter”
But I can’t have her cause I’m afraid I’ll be every thing like you… Mother!
And she’ll endure what I went through.
So I won’t ever bring her into this world cause no one deserves the torture of a motherless childhood.
So this daughter that I so long for I’ll never bear cause you …
Made me taste of the cup of indignation so early in life and I won’t ever have her
Called you the other day
Mother!
Remember?
Went through so much trouble to get that number
Went to Tobago search high and low…cause I heard you were there
I asked people I don’t even know but they say Tobago small and everybody know everybody … so I got it
Your number that is
Excited!
Energized!
Eager!
I rushed to the closest phone right there on the streets and I dialed
3…3…5
Thank God for digicel
Cause yippy I getting to talk to my Mamee
The phone ring and ring and ring again
And as I was about to hang up and re-dail thinking in my anxiety I call the wrong mamee
You answered …Hello!
My heart made a leap and my face illuminated in delight cause I was about to converse with you …Mother
And In-spite of all the pain, hate, hurt, anger and agony …I was happy
But when I told you who I was you stopped me in my tracks
You said ‘I have no time for things of the past’
What!
I’m on a spiritual journey you said
What journey? One that can’t include me your daughter
You are a disgrace Mother!
A woman that never deserved to be a daughter or have a daughter
You’re not a Mother!
You’re on a spiritual journey with what spirit
Your spirit is me
And I am nothing but a two year old child watching her mother pack and never come back
Darm I’m messed up!
Honor your father and mother …
What mother!
God forgot about me when he wrote that line
Cause I ent got no Mother
I got u a child bearer.

By Starlene Peters
16.08.08